Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Randomize
