I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
