So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
