If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
