I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
