u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
