i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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