I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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