honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
