My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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