I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
