This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
