dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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