i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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