so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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