The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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