the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize