You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
