you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
Randomize
