I want to make a zoo with you.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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