I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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