How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
