Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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