Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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