When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Randomize
