Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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