I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
