Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
