Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
either way he was missing a nipple.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
