I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Randomize
