Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
Randomize
