My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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