Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I need a burrito and a hug.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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