I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
