Don't you send me to vm
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
