my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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