Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
