Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
