I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
