tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
