tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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