My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
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