Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Randomize
