I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
