i just had sex bonerless
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
