Non-Jews are for practice
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
