oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
