I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Randomize
