I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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