I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
